OH Hi again!


It’s been nearly a year since I have sat here and started one of these. A old dear friend of mine text me the other night asking why I quit blogging. My reply was easy. “I GOT CAUGHT UP IN LIFE!” I’m (my daughter) is busy. I work two jobs sometimes three jobs to keep a roof over my head. My BRAND SPANKING NEW roof might I add. One of two of my proudest accomplishments. I’m dirt poor now, but it’s worth it.

Where do I even begin when so much life has happened?

I guess I will start with the basics. 1. I built a home. It’s a dream come true! Emery gets to grow up on the same street I grew up on and that to me is pretty amazing. I can only hope and pray she doesn’t get into a paint war with her BFF down our freshly paved asphalt like me and mine did. I’m pretty sure we got grounded, and if not we definitely got the fear of God put into us from my mom. Isn’t that right, Kristen? Good times. 2. Emery joined a competitive cheer team. In the most humble way possible, WE ARE THE BEST! Those girls are AMAZING! We have several grand championship titles to prove it. Being a cheer mom is awesome! I grew up cheering, and now to be able to watch my daughter be so talented in a sport, YES, SPORT, we both love is so gratifying. It has allowed special bonding time with one another, and I wouldn’t take back the memories, money or time spent for anything. I can only hope she will want to continue down this cheer path for years to come, but I know whatever she chooses to do she will excel beyond expectations. I still can’t believe God chose me to be her mom. I couldn’t have prayed for a better more perfect child. But yes I sometimes do pray that her videos on loud don’t bring out the insanity in me. 3. All my best friends are getting married, having babies, building houses, moving up in careers and I couldn’t be more proud of them. As you grow older and wiser and free time becomes more scarce, your circle becomes smaller. Where I’m at in life, my money priorities are #1. True friends understand this and support you. I appreciate a cheap glass of wine on my couch with my girls gossiping and watch YouTube videos more than I ever thought I could. When days get hard, I am reminded how lucky I am to have such a solid core to depend on. This is a shout out to all my peeps! You’re the real MVP’s! 4. I’ve been blessed to still be able to travel. Let me just tell you, if you haven’t taken a cruise yet, DO IT. Everyone has their favorite, but Royal Caribbean is going to be your best experience hands down do not argue with me on this. If you are fortunate enough, you will not regret it. I recommend putting St. Kitts on your bucket list. I have marked off several, but my go-to list continues to grow.

5. This one deserves it’s own separate paragraph. I assume several people have been wondering “What happened?” We looked so good on social media, right? Well, for the last two years I have been in a relationship. It was unexpected and 9/10 wonderful. But we all know shit happens. Per usual, I gave it my all up until the very end. He gave it his all too. But our problems became bigger than the both of us and it was out of control. We caused way too much damage that couldn’t be fixed. You gotta know when to lay your sword down. We all know how I view love, and I do not think it was a mistake nor do you meet anyone by accident. I do have regrets but what’s done is done and there’s nothing I can change now. If I had a time machine I would go back and had waited til my heart was fully ready to give away again. He was a best friend, with so much love, adventure and laughter to give which I fully enjoyed, but in the back of my mind I knew it wasn’t going to end in wedding bells. From my previous engagement, I was scarred. I feared the same mistakes would happen to me. I couldn’t meet him on the bridge. SO here I was with a very hard decision to remove a wonderful guy from mine and my daughters life, or follow my heart and mind and give it to God. We all know now which I chose. I’m moving on and so is he and I hope one day we can be that cheesy quote and pass one another on the street and say hello, hug it out and go about our lives. I wish him nothing but the best, success, and happiness. He truly does deserve it.

6. I learned a lot. About myself. About others. What I want, what I don’t want. What is right, what is wrong. What I will tolerate and what I won’t. I told myself near the end that I wasn’t going to find another. I was fine being alone. I’m a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. Although that is true, fate had different plans. I am here to report that I am happy, and healthy both mentally and physically. I turn 30 on Friday, and there isn’t a more appropriate time to announce that I am READY to start some of the best years of my life! I have a really good feeling about the next chapter in my life. It’s still a crazy beautiful ride and I’m still waiting on that reality TV show. Bring it on world!

Stay tuned for more adventures, chaos, comedy, and positivity 🙂



Ps. I know there is so much more that hasn’t been mentioned, but one thing I have chose to do is keep my life semi private and respect other peoples stories.

Long time no blog…

Soooo it’s been nearly a year since I have been this low…. Resulting in a “pour my heart out” post. As I had mentioned in one of my first few blogs, I started all this as therapy. Despite my whole life being put on blast and everyone being able to form their own opinion about me, it really did help. So here I am. Back to my old roots.

This past year of my life has been nothing short of pretty amazing. 9/10 it was a great day. But it’s that 1 time that kills you. It’s that one day that triggers all your demons and you find yourself struggling to catch your breath. Swimming in regret and guilt. When I can’t control something, trigger. When I feel like I’ve been lied to, trigger. When I become insecure over younger prettier girls, trigger. When I feel like I’ve been made a fool of, trigger. When I realize I’m wrong,…… trigger! I don’t expect any of you to fully understand, but if I had to try and explain it, it’s like seeing pitch black, everything goes silent, and the devil himself takes over my entire soul. Now I know I am not this person on a daily basis, but I also don’t even think I’m this person when it’s happening.  I will become resentful, remorseful, regretful and eventually apologetic, you just gotta give me time. When I say I’m sorry, I mean it. When you can really peel my layers off, and I unmask myself, I think I am a good person, just been broken for a really long time.

I’m not gonna beat around, another boy is the reason I didn’t go to work today. He’s the reason I haven’t brushed my teeth, haven’t eaten, and ignored almost every single person that has reached out to me asking if I’m okay. You think it’s because he did me wrong, but really, I’m the monster. He isn’t perfect, but he’s damn near. Did he really love me? I think. Did he really love Emery, yes. Did he devote his days trying to do right by me, every day. Did he really want to spend a forever with me?…. I guess I’ll never know. I wish him the best, I pray he finds someone better for him than I ever was.

I let a great man come into my life when I wasn’t full ready, when I needed saving and took full advantage of it. I fell in love with him, despite our differences. I became dependable on him, reliable, confidant and believe it or not, loyal and obedient. When I was alone long enough though,  my demons crept their way back into my mind and I turn into a loose cannon destroying everything in my path to protect myself from becoming the bad guy, But I’ve already lost.

I am back to square one. I’m crawling my way back up from the bottom, probably the lowest I have ever been. I do have a great life, and what you see is 75% genuine and accurate but what you don’t see, is me threatening to end my life mostly for attention but mainly out of regret.

I don’t want demons. I don’t want to keep going down the wrong paths.

I want forgiveness, understanding, and prayers.

I want my chains to be gone. I want to be set free. From this day forward I really do want to be a changed better woman not only for myself but for my daughter and my future husband… (if that ever happens).

Mental illness is real. Being crazy isn’t necessarily something to be ashamed of, but it’s definitely something to work on controlling.

1 Peter 5:8 “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”


I feel a blog coming on…


So it was recently brought to my attention from my friend Nicole that I hadn’t blogged in awhile….(still gettin those daily views tho) whoop!  whoop! *hair toss* 💁🏻

I have been rather distracted lately not to mention nothing has happened recently that has inspired me to blog, or stressed me out to the point I needed to sit down and vent it out… Untilllll today. I must comment though and say I’m proud of myself for being in a all around better state of mind. I love blogging but it’s a good feeling knowing I haven’t had to use this stress reliever mechanism as often.

So I’m just gonna get to the point straight out of the gate. Being a single mother is hard AF! We are all expected to live up to these perfections all while being stereotyped as pieces of crap the first minute we do something not deemed appropriate by all those people who have their “perfect” lives, and ya know, do no wrong. It’s assumed that now that we have entered parenthood we aren’t allowed to have freedom. “Me” time. Drinks. Dancing. Fun. Or even unfortunately, regret. But by God if you do, be prepared for the stones to be thrown. Now, I’m not saying there aren’t bad parents out there, but I will stand up and say that a good majority I think are doing the best they can with where they are at and with what they got.

On a daily basis I can proudly say I am a A+ mother. Every choice I make is in the best interest for my daughter not to mention myself. About the only time I am judged is when I choose to date. Being a single mother, dating is a part of life. Actually, dating is part of life for every single adult (unless you want to be alone forever which in that case to each their own.) I don’t want to be alone forever. I am looking for a compatible companion that will help better my life and complete my family.

Trust me when I say I don’t love that I have to date. It’s hard, it’s messy, and it takes a lot of effort and energy. But I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking dating is wrong. I don’t want her to be scared or ashamed. I want her to know finding love is important and a man is one of the most important factors to a complete household. Never did I think I would be back in this situation having to defend my actions. I thought I would be married by now with another baby on the way. But it is what it is and I’m making the best/most of it. I would say 99% of moms would definitely prefer one stable relationship versus going out and finding a new boo every other month, but we all know F boys exist and it’s just not that simple sometimes. I also would rather have a million failed relationships than staying in a fake miserable one all just to look good to the public eye. Yes, image is important but I believe genuine happiness and a raw connection is higher up on the importance scale.

One of the biggest things I’m judged on is how many men I allow my daughter to meet. Since my divorce (2010) she has formally met and spent time with 4 guys. One of them was when she was 1 1/2 years old so does that even really count? But anyways, my point being, my outlook on it and MY OPINION is this- why date and invest in someone who is not going to connect with the most important person in your life? My daughter is mentally mature enough to meet someone and not assume the next thing or the worst. Meeting someone and spending time with someone also doesn’t effect her health, safety, or all around well being. I also believe that if you want to be a good parent, you have to take care of yourself. Make sure your needs are met, and you are healthy and happy. A real parent knows that there is no perfect parent. It’s hard, and there will be mess ups. Do whatever it is that soothes your soul and then get back out there and rock parenthood and prove the haters wrong! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on this and outlook, but let me just remind you, you do not know or even could remotely understand until you’re in the position yourself. Whichever dating style you choose, that is your decision and I respect it like a decent understanding human being.

We all are just trying to make it in this world. Be the best we can be. Find some love and happiness…And when it’s all said and done, make it home to our creator. Why be so ugly? Why be so cruel? Why judge when you don’t see behind closed doors?

“Don’t point fingers unless your hands are clean.”

Ps. Love you Emery

Invest in people who Invest in You


So I can’t speak for all girls. But I can speak for myself. And I can speak for most of the girls I know, and most of us have one vital flaw.  We are way more invested in the guys we date than they are in us.

Now I’m not talking about “the one.” No, when it’s right- and I’ve seen couples for whom it is just right– both people are equally invested. They know because one won’t be having to fill the basket with all their eggs because “the (other) one” will be putting their eggs in the basket also. I’ve had enough relationships spanning from two weeks to five years long to know that the difference between girls and guys is this: by the second date, hell sometimes even by the end of the first one, we have sized the guy up. We have decided where we will be getting married, what we will name our child (be it boy or girl), and even picked out our house and vacation home.  When we rush into these made up fantasies and fall so quickly, *Blinding ourselves with the idea of this potential love* that they maybe just wanted one thing, and you gave them everything without them even asking (or earning it). Guys are usually there for the meal and company and will go home and fall asleep within probably 5 minutes after turning on sports center. They fall quickly into their “nothing box.” This is why 9/10 a break up is harder for a woman than it is a man.

I have had my heart broken more times than I can count, before and after I met “him” and though I can now tell the difference between the kind of breakups that make me want to pout, bitch to my girlfriends, and chug a pint or two and the ones that haunt me for months, both kinds still hurt. I am broken right now because I was more invested, simple as that.  This time it’s a different kind of hurt though. It’s a shocked, “I can’t believe it”, yet eye opening, slap in the face with reality, shame on you Sharayah you knew better kind of hurt. The saddest part is, we were SOOOO close, and not to mention I was SOOOO ready to start our next chapter. The hardest part is letting go of the plans for the future. Now I will most likely wonder “what if” the rest of my life, and have a hard time ever trusting another cute foreigner. We all know who hurt me, and very quickly moved on might I add (or maybe that’s why we broke up, I don’t know.. either way he will deny that.) He and this breakup stripped me of my independence, confidence, and hope. I let him get to me. In fact, I let him control me. I loved him so much I would have followed him straight to the gates of hell had it meant I got to hold his hand on the way there. But that was me being COMPLETELY invested. I can’t say he wasn’t ever invested because he did give me a year of his life and time, but when it boiled down to it I was ready to cross the finish line and he wasn’t. I was running– he was walking. So I guess I am okay with that because I know I gave it my all. I was always 100%. It is now time to accept my own faults and finally move on. I used to care (I still do care) but I used to care a lot more, checking every form of social media 100+ times a day to see his face, until I realized I was crying pathetically, ruining my expensive mascara and wasting good quality time, on someone who didn’t care anymore. This relationship taught me a lot of things that I will carry into the future. My biggest lesson- You can’t hold on to someone who isn’t holding onto you. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTICTS. As for me, I know better, as for you- you are right back to where you started.

That being said, it’s a new year- kind of- and with that comes new goals, or as I like to think of them, gifts we give to ourselves. This year, the gift I give to myself (and I encourage all you beautiful ladies (and men)) I  know and don’t know is to not give off myself so freely to any cute guy who happens to give me a compliment. To take my time, choose wisely, and give selectively.

Just because you’ve been hurt, and we all have, doesn’t mean we need to build walls around ourselves. It just means that maybe we should be pickier about just who we let through our doors. Be more selective with whom we give our time and more selfish who we give our trust and respect. I know that is easier said than done, but what is more sad? The temporary pain and disappointment OR living a life alone due to fear…. <<< ANDDD REPEAT.

Invest Wisely.




Life in 360? 

Don’t you wish we had a switch in our brains to turn on/off for our thoughts and feelings? But we don’t. We are supposed to feel. We are supposed to love. And hate. And hurt. And grieve. And break and be destroyed, and we build ourselves to be destroyed again. This is human. That is humanity. That’s being alive. That’s the point. That’s the entire point. Don’t avoid it. Don’t extinguish it. 

How is it that a year has gone by and I feel like I am in the exact same mind set I was a year ago at this time? I was saved there for awhile, but somehow here I am, again. How does one really grow? Does one really live and learn?? Or is that just some BS phrase we say to feel better about ourselves….. If anyone has the answers to that please DM me. 

So here I am again, running from responsibilities, sipping wine on my back patio, feeling sorry for myself because my life isn’t as picture perfect as I had imagined it to be by now. I have trusted God’s plan, I have been patient, but I’m starting to wonder if my purpose during my time on this earth is to just be the broken single mom who blogs and makes people feel better about their lives from all my failed experiences. Maybe I’m just here to provide wisdom. Don’t get me wrong, I love inspiring others, but I wish I had something actually really meaningful and impacting to share. Like how I found world peace, or stopped bullying, prevented anorexia, ended racism, anything worthwhile to make the history books. But instead I’m just here to convince you all that you are worthy, you are important, and you are love-able… But for me, I don’t think that last one is in the cards. Maybe I am made to be alone. There is no other reasonable explanation as to why, at 27, despite all my efforts to love and succeed, I’m still here- alone. Katherine Heigle in 27 dresses is looking a lot like my life (minus my James Marsden.) 

Despite what some may think, I try really hard to be fine without a significant other, but honestly that’s just not me. Sure I am “independent” and fine on my own, but again, it’s just not me. I want the fairytale happily ever after ending. I have A LOT I want to give to someone. I think I am so ready sometimes it gets the better of me, but that’s okay. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m ready to be settled with consistent security as someone’s wife. Also, contrary to what others may believe, I truly do try and work on myself and better myself after every failure. I wake up every day trying to be positive. I truly am thankful to be alive and healthy, all my loved ones are the same so that alone should be enough, but unfortunately there is still this void I am needing…. Or should I say, wanting to fill. 

Over the last few days I have had a lot of time to think. To write. To sit alone with my thoughts and feelings. I was told to write down everything that makes me happy  and also question why I let the things that make me wanna hide in my dark bedroom every day stay present in my life. As I was scrolling through my notebook doing as I was instructed to do…. I came across this photo. And there it was. Clarity. This is why I wake up every day. This is why still even after everything I’ve gone through I still have hope. I still have faith things could work out. This is why I smile. This is why I know I’m worthy. This is why whoever chooses to ride out the bad times with me, they will never regret it. They will be loved just the same by this precious little girl that I’m lucky enough to call mine. And they can consider themselves one of the luckiest people alive also. 

I finished this post while watching Pretty Woman. How cliche white girl am I?… 

The Real Truth


Dear You,

You didn’t give me enough credit. I put you on a pedestal; I praised you for everything you did right, and even when you did wrong, I still thought you were the greatest. I defended you. You were my number 1. My best friend.

You see, I know what it’s like to appreciate what is in front of me. I have loved, and I have lost. And when I found you and got to know what was deep down inside you, I began to fall for that. But that’s not who you were. That’s the person you wanted to be.

You wear a mask every day. You put on a big show for everyone around you. Well done! You have them convinced. But me? Not so much. I challenged you to really think about the person you wanted to be. The person you don’t show to others. And for a while, you were that person for me. I got your best. And it was wonderful.

But when you were done putting in the effort to treat me with respect and love, it went downhill. When you stopped cherishing the time spent and the deep conversations shared, you resented me. You resented how I made you think further than your comfort zone. You resented how much time of yours I took. You resented the effort it took to be a better person for me. You resented my emotional nature and the huge heart God blessed me with. And it was hurtful.

But that’s what I love about myself. I am not easily won over, or impressed. I don’t want to settle for mediocre or half your best, I want rawness and wholeness. I want vulnerability. I want someone who isn’t afraid to shout the way they feel about me. I want someone who is able to recognize I am a prize. I want someone to appreciate that I have opinions and I am a free thinking individual. I want someone to reciprocate the neverending love I have to give.

I am not a brainless individual. I am an intelligent being, with opinions and thoughts on the world around me. I am a loving and giving person. Always accepting, always patient, always generous. My love is rare. Mostly because I love without conditions. And you won’t find that just anywhere.

My emotions were never yours to toy with. I trusted that you would take good care of me and my daughter and our future children. I gave you some of the most precious pieces of me, but you played me for a fool. You left me unsatisfied with a broken heart and nothing to show for the time we spent together. You took away my confidence and hope. And worst of all, now you’ve taken away my happily ever after.

But I have come to terms with the truth. What I had to offer was much too great for what you were willing to give back. You were not ready for what I was able to provide for you. It frightened you. I wanted to grow with you. I wanted to learn with you. I wanted to build you up, pamper you, shower you in love, push you to be the best man you could be, but once again, you showed me you weren’t ready. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you except let you treat me less than what I deserved.  I will always wonder “what if” especially being so close to the finish line. These questions I have will eat my brain for as long as I live and without honest communication, I’ll always have to assume the worst.  But despite it all, I have to pull myself together and move on. I have a great future and another life to still live for.

I know, now, that what I have to offer is for someone who realizes just how spectacular I really am. It was you. But now unfortunately it isn’t you. God knows I wanted it to be you! WHY?!

Go do what you do best and push me away when the going gets tough. It is easier to run from the truth, I will give you that. I may have lost someone who sometimes loved me, but you lost someone who always loved you. At your worst, and your best – I was there… Your “ride or die”. I may not have always been perfect, but I never would have stopped trying to be for you.  I’m only human though, everyone is. Everyone somewhere will always NEED something. All couples fight, and go through bad times, and that’s something you have to accept for your next relationship to succeed. I told you failure wasn’t an option if you refuse to give up.

You’re gonna read this and get mad. You’ll most likely disagree with everything as will most from your side (please remember there are always two sides to every story). You will have your excuses and defenses but what you’ve done these last few weeks so carelessly and the decision you made today so quickly and heartlessly after EVERYTHING we’ve been through together and promised one another, without even consulting with me, definitely didn’t prove this post wrong. Your actions towards me were down right cruel. Why anyone would spitefully try to hurt someone who only wanted to love them will always boggle my mind. I didn’t deserve this, you know that.

I do have to say thank you for doing what you thought was good enough. I did appreciate those attempts to change and provide even though you didn’t think I did. I guess I have a different way of showing that sometimes. But lucky for you, now you can create you own life just the way you wanted- for yourself- without any burdens from me.

I don’t hate you, but I’ll never forgive you for doing exactly what you promised never to do.

Sharayah (almost) du Plessis






Shame on me. I haven’t inserted a blog since November. I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY! That’s a pretty lame and cliché excuse, but it’s true.

Quick re-cap:

December- Christmas Shopping. I had my list done and wrapped by the first week of Dec. Do you know how hard that was to stop Emery from peaking??! Emery turned 7. We kept her birthday party very low-key this year and it was a great success. Much less stress, and we saved some $$$ 🙂 CHRISTMAS! Same traditions every year and I wouldn’t have it any other way. For two days I’m surrounded by a bunch a half sane lunatics I get to call my family (whom I love so so much!) I cut my hair off. I was bored and was looking for a reasonable, cheap change. Stupid choice. Should have stayed bored. And of course SOUTH AFRICA. I won’t annoy you with all the details considering you have most likely seen the 300+ photos I blew up your timelines with and have a pretty good idea of what all I did, but it was an absolutely mind blowing nothing can probably top it type of experience. Not only was I with my handsome fiancé and his sweet family, but I was half way across the globe away from all of Southern Illinois and it’s daily reminders that “this is it.” This is where I live, I pay bills here, everybody knows you, and I’m officially an adult. Now I’m not totally hatin, I do live a good life, but SO IL sure does lack in the adventure/scenery category. Also, we are some close minded, uptight assholes – (to put it lightly). If I could I would book a ticket today and gladly move… Somewhere else.

January- Happy New Year! I’m still in Africa, LTD ‘Livin the Dream’, missing my baby girl, but all in all life is perfect. Time to go back to reality, aka: one of the saddest/hardest days of my life. Here we go…. I stepped off that plane in STL and it was I think -5 degrees. Nice welcoming home, huh. I sped home to get to Emery and make sure my house was clean. OCD at it’s finest. I then slept for like 3 days I think. I mean I was awake, but my mind was mush. Now that I’m caught back up at work, and back on track with my normal routines, I am now focusing on planning my own wedding (which is hard considering IDK when Martin’s visa will be approved and we only have 90 days to get married once he is here.) And on top of that, I have two best friends getting married this summer as well. Between mine and theirs, my calendar is full.

I took time to sit down and blog today because I have noticed a lot up built of anger and aggression. I find myself becoming disappointed easily and short tempered. It could be the stress of everything, but I swear I am so irritated by the littlest things, and that is not me. I am a happy person that can typically let things roll off my shoulder, but I find myself lately having to stop from checking a bitch. I am being a bitch, and I honestly think that’s okay sometimes, especially when you feel the way I’m feeling right now.  Blog=Therapy. Like my header picture said, “All the women in me are tired.” I’m tired of bending over backwards for people who don’t do the same for me. I’m tired of trying to please others before myself. I’m tired of being polite all the dang time. I’m tired of constantly trying to be supermom. I’m tired of laundry. I’m tired of forcing what I think should be. I’m tired of being an adult. I’m tired of biting my tongue when I really just wanna speak my mind. I’m tired of being genuine. I’m tired of a long distance relationship. I’m tired of going with the flow. I’m tired of settling. I’m tired of trying to make things mutual. I’m tired of convincing. I’m tired of debts. I’m tired of giving my opinions for them to only be shat on. I’m tired of explaining myself. I’m tired of stressing and overthinking. I’m tired of caring too much. I’m tired of having to think about what to eat for dinner. I’m just tired. I will eventually get over this, but for now this rant was necessary.

It is really hard to stay true to yourself and who you are as a person when everyone around you seems 1/2 stupid and selfish. I believe in being selfish, you gotta protect yourself, but to a certain extent. Selfishness shouldn’t ever reach the point where it turns others off from you. But I just have to keep reminding myself “Do unto others.” Seeing genuine happiness in others when you were a part of that happiness is a reward in itself. Not a whole lot can take that satisfaction feeling away. With all that being said, I think it’s time to start putting myself back to number 1 (Emery at a mutual standing) and everything else can just fall in line. I lost sight of looking out for myself first. I almost forgot what an awesome, independent, smart, wise, and witty person I am. I AM BAD ASS. Maybe starting there will fulfill this empty feeling I’m having and the urge to do or be drastic.  Maybe I’m just bored and mad at the world for how life has to be sometimes. IDK, but starting today I will get back on track. Starting today I am no longer a doormat.

So here’s to 2016 and all the great things and changes to come.

“Do unto others Sharayah.”

“Do unto others.”


All shapes and sizes

Short, tall, fat, skinny, wide, slim… Bodies are bodies. Flesh is flesh. All our limbs work so why would we complain about the way we are built? Body shaming is body shaming, no matter what.

This topic has been lingering in the back of my mind since last week. While dress shopping with my best friend another customer told the bridal store attendant that: “she needed to eat a cheeseburger.” 1. How rude. We didn’t tell you that your dress wasn’t the prettiest one there. And 2. I am with that little firecracker almost every day and she eats her weight in food. (AND THANK GOODNESS CUZ I LOVE FOOD, and what’s a friendship without delicious treats?!) She looked breathtaking by the way. She is going to make a stunning bride! Anyways my point being, girls don’t simply decide to hate their bodies, we teach them to. The paranoia starts at younger ages more and more. My daughter tells me all the time “She’s skinny and needs to gain weight.” Um no, you’re six and active. Settle down princess. I have to watch how I talk about my own body now too in front of her. I don’t ever want her to think you aren’t still gorgeous even with a few extra or less pounds. Society does a really good job at making us think otherwise though… I mean look at all the adds and magazines these days. Photoshop, and tutorials. I mean come on, when did it become so wrong just being comfortable with how God created you? If I took the time every day to do myself up the way society deems is “beautiful” and acceptable, I would be one cranky hungry broke betch.

The most valuable thing to know is that beauty on the outside deteriorates eventually (even with plastic surgery and Botox) so it is important to have a beautiful inside to match. The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty of a woman is reflected in her soul. It’s the caring that she lovingly gives. and her passion for all things that make her happy.  A genuine heart and soul will never fade, and coming from a person who has been tested many of times, I can promise you that no matter how bitter you try to be, you cannot change the way your heart is and works.

I preach it almost every day, “Do unto others”. Telling someone to eat a cheeseburger is just as cruel as telling someone to go lose weight. IMO <– That means “in my opinion” for the older generations out there reading this… Learn something new everyday, huh. Think about this – do you think when you’re laying in your casket one day people are gonna walk through that line and remember the great ass you had? Well maybe. Or the dozen donuts you ate to make your belly jiggle a little bit? NO. They are gonna remember the way you made them feel, how your smile lit up a room, how your energy was contagious or how that one time you were there for them when nobody else was.

I hope when my time on this earth does come to an end I am remembered best by making everyone around me happy. I hope they remember my laugh, and my thoughtful mind and heart. I hope they remember that how it didn’t matter if you were anorexic or obese but that if you were a good person and friend, I was going to be one back. I look at people’s souls and there is nothing more beautiful than a beaten and battered heart that still smiles 🙂

My thighs are so sexy, they wont stop touching each other; My intentions are so good I won’t stop trying to inspire others.

Do you boo boo but honestly, as long as you’re happy and healthy girlfriends, that’s all that should really matter! You are amazing, just the way you are ❤ I sang that in my Bruno Mars voice.



When one door closes another door opens.

Isn’t it crazy how we think nothing changes but when you stop and think back, a lot of change actually does take place. On this day last year I was in my car crying, driving around frantically, calling my (ex) boyfriend and begging him to please come home. I was lost, desperate, and pathetic. And now, around the same time a year later,  I’m broken again. I had to come to terms that no matter how badly I wanted him to stay, my current boyfriend undoubtedly had to leave the country and no matter how hard I fought or what I was willing to sacrifice, it probably just wasn’t going to work…  (Yes I know, you told me so but I believe in fairytales). Again, took to my car to drive around to cry pathetically. Asking myself why. Why me again? You know sometimes you just need to feel sorry for yourself…  But this time, there wasn’t any begging.

There was growth. Maybe not a lot, but that’s not what matters just that there is still progress. I know that what’s meant to be will always be. And no matter how bad you want something, you can’t force it. I have had to learn from my actions once again, and hopefully one of these days I will learn to think before I speak. But thank goodness I am learning.

I wish I had some great inspiring advice to say but this time I just wanted to be sad. But I will add this: often sometimes new beginnings are disguised as painful endings. Focus on the new and have hope that there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind. Forgive and move on. Appreciate the learning experience, cherish the memories, and keep moving forward with your chin held high.

Martin Phillip- if you find yourself reading this, I want to say thank you for allowing me to love again. You have no idea what an impact you have made on my life and I will forever be grateful for our time spent together. It was a fairytale even if it was for a short while. Continue to work towards your goals.  Recognize all your potential. And remember if there is one thing I could give you, it would be the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then you would see how amazing you truly are. I know we met for a reason, and though that reason may be unclear right now, I know it’s for the better.

God really is the only one that knows what the future holds. All there is to do is trust in His plan. I give it to you Lord. Guide me and continue shaping me into the woman I’m meant to be. I need your strength. And I’m ready for my happy ending whenever you are.

Til next time…


say it

Does anyone else agree with that?^^^

So I had an entire 906 word blog typed out ( get real I didn’t count, it tells me at the bottom) AND it erased as I was proof reading.. So this is all you get now. (I AM LIVID!) I can hardly even think straight, but here it goes…

Does anyone else have conversations in your head days on end? Do you debate back n forth if you’ll even benefit by saying what’s on your mind? Half the reason I started this blog was to free my thoughts from my mind and keep my @$$ out of trouble and away from “word vomit” regret. It is a constant struggle of mine not wanting to look pathetic or desperate by saying too much. I don’t like giving unworthy people the satisfaction of knowing just how much I truly care. But truth is, I would rather say F it and lay it all out on the table versus living in mental torture. I know I dig my own grave sometimes. I should consider shutting up while I am ahead, but that’s just not me. I often catch myself stopping how much I share on social media or holding back from putting in my two cents… but that is only me pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m a people person. I enjoy interacting with others *most days*. I am aggressively emotional, I have a sarcastic sense of humor, and I am very opinionated. I know I AM a lot to handle, but the right people will know exactly how to embrace it (though it may be few lol) I wouldn’t have it any other way.  After all, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind, right?  I look at it this way: Love people enough to tell them the truth and respect them enough to know that they can handle it. <— One of the many forms of “tough love”.

“SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY!” I wish I sounded like a female version of John Mayer when I said that. (I wouldn’t be working this day job, nah mean.) BUT Anyways, Say it before you run out of time. Say it before it’s too late. Say what you’re feeling. Say what you want. And say what you don’t want. Coming from my experiences, when I have chosen to get everything off my chest I HAVE slept better at night. Don’t believe me? Try it. If it backfires, that’s on them. Honesty and communication (bad or good) is always beneficial in the long run. “Smothering” someone just means you really really love them and want the best outcome.  I would much rather someone be overbearingly honest with me than sit around and question their intent.

Keep in mind, some people can’t handle the truth. Some people aren’t mentally mature enough to converse like an adult. Again, NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Just because they haven’t got a voice doesn’t mean you should mute yours. But be cautious because sometimes ironically enough, silence speaks the most volume.- (usually during a break up) and if it reaches this point it is okay to throw in the towel. No matter what is said it’s not changing anything so don’t mentally exhaust yourself on people who really don’t care anymore. They don’t deserve your input or efforts. It’s not giving up or not caring, it’s just knowing when to respect yourself and move on.

How to recognize the individuals who fear the stronger individual 101 <-that’s a college class joke incase some of y’all were confused. These types of people will be the ones who get frustrated with you easily. They will lash out at you for acknowledging things they do not want to hear or want to come to terms with. They live in denial. They will do anything they can to make you feel foolish for simply being passionate. No way Jose. Took me a long time to realize you are not a fool for fighting for love, or for being committed to something. Or how about demanding self respect and the most common for me lately, not letting someone think you’re blind and naïve. You own everything that happens to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write or speak warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better 😉 BOOM!

And I’ll end on that. 534 words.